Friday, 7 December 2007


The English FA passed legislation yesterday prohibiting the selection of any foreign player in an Premier League football team. The unprecedented move has sparked a furore among team bosses who, for the first time, will now have to learn English to manage an English team.

Especially vocal was the Chelsea manager, Iouana Kikov: "Zejfodfiaz arse peoadjgbdfew mpoeerisokasad potheads weowmqz klazjhwa referees eat shit!"

His translator had unfortunately failed a drugs test, and was unavailable for comment. Kikov has placed an add on myspace for "Hot-looking A-level girls who speaky good Russian."

Similar disruptions have occurred in bootrooms nationwide, with several English players confessing their inability to understand English. "It was inevitable - twenty-three out of twenty-four players spoke other languages," admitted an anonymous source. "What possible chance did our boys have of remembering any phrases except 'Boddingtons' and 'how much for the night?'"

"Football is a universal language," argued Fabio Pinocchio, "we communicate with our, passing."

FA chiefs today refuted accusations of racism and xenophobia by citing relevant passages in Mein Kampf. Jethro Smith explained, "We don't want to get rid of foreigners because they're foreign; we want to get rid of them because they're not English. Frankly, I don't see what the hulabaloo is about. They came here to kick our balls, we're only giving them the boot in the same manner. We wish them them all the best in their own banana leagues. Hiel Hitler!"

But not all sections of the industry displayed outrage. Football shirt manufacturers in particular have welcomed the change, suggesting they'll now be able to sleep at night without worrying about spelling player names that, in the past, even Trekkies have had trouble deciphering.

Referees, too, have voted unanimously to back the move. Spokeswoman Neva Houghside said in her press release, "Referees shouldn't have to be polyglots to officiate. Ever since foreign players started showing up, we've had to consult Olympic Diving judges to familiarize ourselves with the techniques of falling in the box to win a penalty. It's high time foreigners cheated on their turf. Our referees have a hard enough time being moronic without having to translate the fact into seventeen languages."

Today's round of Premier League fixtures reported record-low attendences. In one game, Arsenal versus Tottenham Hotspur, the contest ended goal-less...and player-less. The two foreign managers ended up entertaining spectators with a Gladiators-style bout of me-kicky-you-saggy-arse at half time. Pie sales remained unaffected.

The one-on-one has proved such a sensation that Sky Sports is in final negotiations with the New Wembley stadium to turn it into a Roman Colosseum. Early reports suggest politicians are being lined up as the first participants in a series of to-the-death live debates. Swords and sandals are mandatory. Gordon Brown is apparently keen to showcase his manly prowess to the nation. Opposition leader David Cameron is quoted as saying, "Brown by name, brown by...yes, my Rt. Honourable friend will receive a Rt. Honourable ass-wupping."

Has the FA gone too far? Only time will tell.

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